reset

[from nov. of 2007]

i guess i never really thought about what it would be like after graduation. at the time i was so wrapped up in a billion things that thinking beyond the 'now' was nearly impossible.

i thought i'd be in seminary school for another three years. my future was all laid out in a series of neat piles. and for a while it made sense.

then one night it didn't make sense anymore.

at the risk of sounding depressed i'd like to say that the key word for 2006 was 'failure.' for 2007 i'd say it was 'reset.'

reset. like the kind you find on those old ninetendo systems.

can't get past the last boss in mario 2? reset. the screen goes all wacky. sometimes it turns green. and then, right on quo, the little 'ninetendo' logo appears and you know you've got another chance.

reset and try again.

sometimes when i played, i'd get so frustrated that i'd just keep pressing reset, reset, reset. as if i was trying to irritate the machine for irritating me.

at 24 thats kinda where i feel like i've taken my life. seminary wasn't going to work. reset. living in st. louis was driving me crazy. reset. new job doesn't feel so new. reset. i'm getting tired of having nothing to do. reset. reset. reset.

i'm done with video games.

i don't think i've ever wanted a year to end so badly. perhaps 2008 will be 'change.' or 'opportunity.' or maybe even 'success.'

don't get me wrong. i believe you've got to taste the bitter before you taste the sweet. i know whatever the frustrations of these last two year my amount to, i'm experiencing it all for a reason. in fact, i'm glad i'm going through all this.

i'm learning. slowly.

i think it would be lame to have a vanilla life. i've never asked for anything to be simple. mainly because i've realized everything worth having is worth struggling to gain. isn't that life?

isn't that how it goes. some days you're king, the next you're the whipping boy. but even the whipping boy gets to work inside a castle.

so, here's to 24, 2008 and learning the hard way.

reset.